Emotional Validation Isn’t a Magic Wand—Here’s What to Know When It Doesn’t “Work”

Melanie Zwyghuizen | Gen 1 Parenting

You’re calm. You’re patient. You kneel down to your child’s level and say something like, “You’re really sad because it’s time to leave the park.” You’ve read the parenting books. You’re doing the thing. But instead of calming down, your child just wails louder.

Now you’re wondering, What am I doing wrong?

Here’s the thing: Validation isn’t about making the feelings stop—it’s about showing up for them. It’s a powerful tool (but only one of many!).

It’s often misunderstood. And when we expect it to “fix” a meltdown or make tough moments easier instantly, we can get frustrated or even give up on it.

Let’s clear up a few common misunderstandings and figure out how to use validation in a way that actually helps—for both you and your child.

Misconception #1: “If I validate their feelings, the behavior will stop.”

This is a big one. We often expect that once we say something empathetic, the crying, yelling, or whining will magically disappear. And when it doesn’t, we feel like we’ve failed—or worse, that validation doesn’t work.

But here’s the truth: Validation isn’t about controlling behavior. It’s about connection. Your child isn’t looking for you to fix their feeling—they’re looking to feel safe in it. When they know it’s okay to have big emotions, they’re more likely to move through them in a healthy way (and yes, usually faster than if we shut them down or try to control them).

Think of it like this: You’re not shutting off the emotion. You’re standing beside your child while they walk through it.

Misconception #2: “If I validate their feelings, I’m agreeing with them.”

Let’s say your child says, “You’re so mean for not letting me stay up!” and you respond, “You’re upset because you wanted more time.” You’re not agreeing that staying up late was a good idea—you’re just acknowledging how they feel about the situation.

Validation is not approval—it’s understanding. You can say, “You really wish you could play longer” and still tuck them into bed. You can say, “It’s hard when your brother doesn’t share” and still teach respectful problem-solving.

Your child learns that emotions are welcome, but not every emotion gets to drive the car.

So What Actually Helps?

If validation isn’t a one-stop solution, what’s the rest of the story?

Here’s a simple framework:

1. See your child in their emotion: “You’re feeling frustrated because your project didn’t work out.” “Something about this doesn't feel right to you.”

2. Stay with it: Offer your presence. Often they don’t need words—they just need you and your silent, sturdy presence. (Even if they scream for you to 'go away'. They are emotionally dysregulated and often in that state, they are expressing their fears -- that they'll be left alone in this feeling. Giving them some space while staying near expresses to them that you're in it with them.)

3. Support after the emotion: When they’re ready, reconnect and help them with repair. You can problem-solve and discuss how they can do better next time. “Want to try again together?” “You were really mad at me. Sometimes we get mad at each other. We still love each other! And, when we're really mad, we still need to work to treat one another with respect. How could you do that next time you feel mad at me?” Validation isn’t about perfect phrasing or getting your child to calm down immediately. It’s about saying, I see you. I’m here.

It takes patience. It won’t always look like it’s “working” in the moment. But over time, it helps build trust, emotional resilience, and stronger communication between you and your child. The goal isn’t to raise a child who never melts down—it’s to raise a child who knows they’re never alone when they do. And it paves the way for us to teach the lessons we really need them to learn in this life.

Hey Parents, I know you want to do this parenting thing right. It can be really confusing with all the advice out there -- especially when it doesn't seem to work! But you don't have to figure it all out on your own. I'm here to help. Schedule your [free 15 min. discovery call today].

-Melanie