Parenting 'With' Kids vs. 'At' Them

Melanie Zwyghuizen | Gen 1 Parenting

In our part of Michigan right now, as winter has finally arrived in all its glory, we're on our third day of school closing due to all the snow. And it means that parents are now venturing out to the local grocery stores with all the kids in tow.

I ventured out as well, and as I was picking up some produce, there was a mom and her 4 children doing the same. One of the kids was wanting to choose a certain kind of expensive berry. What struck me was the way that mom responded. “Ok guys, well, let’s look at the prices. We could choose that 1 box of berries or we can choose 4 boxes of these kind because it’ll be the same price. What do you guys want to choose?” The kids all worked together to decide. Definitely 4 boxes. I was standing in front of the chosen berries so mom guided them further, “Let’s just wait a minute until we can get to them and not be rude. We don’t want to cut in front of people.” Then each kid was allowed to choose one of the 4 boxes. Nice work mama!

I encountered another mom several times during my trip. Each time; Yelling. Scolding. Threatening. Dictating. You’ve seen it. Perhaps you’ve even been her. Aren’t we all sometimes? And to be fair, perhaps she was having a rough time, one of those times where we all lose it. I’d like to give her the benefit of the doubt.

The contrast was stark between how these two moms were interacting with their kids. The one clearly was working to engage her kids. They were part of a family team. They were entrusted with age-appropriate decisions. They knew their voices mattered. They were learning life lessons about being a part of a team and being aware of others around them, not to mention some simple math and decision-making skills.

I'm sure it took a bit longer to shop that way. But I truly believe that the time is worth it! We don’t have them forever. So, no matter the daily tasks, if we can learn to involve the kids, teach them, guide them, enjoy them along the way…it will most always take longer than if we just did it for them. Yet, in doing it with them, we are doing our jobs to raise capable human beings who learn not what to think, but how to think.

Hey Parents, I know it’s hard. I know it takes more time for now to parent like this. I encourage you to do it as often as you can, and when you happen to be the harried, yelling parent? Teach the lesson of apologizing and asking for forgiveness. Then, forgive yourself and continue to work to be a “WITH” parent. You’ve got this! If you'd like more support for the journey, I've got you. I can help you find your balance and let go of all-or-nothing thinking around your parenting. Schedule your [free 15 min. consult] and get started today.

-Melanie