Discipline isn't a dirty word

Melanie Zwyghuizen | Gen 1 Parenting

Discipline gets a bad rap. For a lot of us, the word brings up memories of punishment, yelling, or power struggles—and now it just brings up confusion in our own parenting.

But here’s the good news: Discipline doesn’t have to be harsh to be effective.

In fact, the most powerful discipline is rooted in connection, not control. It’s about teaching, guiding, and building trust—while still holding boundaries that help your child feel safe.

Let’s break down what that actually looks like.

First… Let’s Talk About the Words We Use

This whole topic can feel confusing, partly because the words we use—discipline, consequences, punishment—often get tossed around like they all mean the same thing. And in our culture, they’re used interchangeably all the time. But they’re not the same, and that matters.

• Punishment is about making a child suffer for doing something wrong, in hopes that he won't do it again to avoid that suffering.

• Consequences that we impose (often called logical) are meant to help a child see the results of their choices, but often are just really "punishment-lite" as the author Alfie Kohn said. They are still focused on controlling the child's behavior in hopes that the consequence "taught" them a lesson to not do it again.

• Discipline, at its root, comes from the word disciplina—which means to teach, guide, and lead.

So when we talk about “disciplining” our kids, we’re not talking about controlling or scaring them into obedience. We’re talking about helping them grow—emotionally, relationally, and spiritually. That’s a big (and important) difference. I dive deeper into that difference in Chapter 34 of The Perfectly Imperfect Family—a #1 international bestseller filled with real stories from parents & professionals like me. My chapter, “Stop Managing, Start Growing: How a Mindset Shift Can Build Stronger Connections,” offers a glimpse into how changing my approach led to more peace and deeper connection with my kids.

What does the Bible say about it?

If you are a Christian, you may have heard the phrase “Spare the rod, spoil the child.” While that exact wording isn’t in the Bible, it’s a paraphrase of verses found in Proverbs—part of the Old Testament wisdom literature. And for many generations, those verses have been used to justify spanking or harsh discipline.

But here’s the thing: that’s not the whole story.

The Old Testament also includes commands for things like animal sacrifices, dietary laws, and practices that we no longer follow—not because they were wrong, but because Jesus came to fulfill the law and bring a new covenant. He changed the way we relate to God—and to each other.

So when we read Scripture through the lens of Jesus, we see that God’s discipline isn’t rooted in fear or punishment—it’s rooted in relationship, grace, and restoration.

Even the “rod” in Proverbs likely refers to a shepherd’s staff—something used to guide and protect sheep, not beat them into submission. Shepherds were gentle, attentive, and always close. Jesus referred to Himself as the Good Shepherd. That’s the kind of discipline we’re called to mirror as parents.

God doesn’t parent us with a heavy hand. His correction is never detached or reactive—it’s patient, loving, and full of purpose. So if you’ve ever wondered what kind of discipline is biblical—it's the kind that reflects the very heart of the Father.

3 Keys to Discipline That Works

In my 30 years of teaching high school, people often would ask me why I didn't really have many discipline issues in my classroom. It wasn't because I was special or had some 10 step magical program, I attribute it to these 3 things that I established with my students.

1. Connection First

When your child feels seen and understood, they’re more likely to cooperate. Even in hard moments, starting with empathy & validation helps:

• “You’re really upset that it’s time to leave.”

• “It’s hard when someone else has the toy you want.”

• “I don't know what's going on with you, but I'm here for you. I'm here to listen.”

  This doesn’t mean you're letting go of boundaries—it means you're making them easier to accept.

2. Clear Boundaries and Expectations that are Calmly Held

Your child needs to know where the line is—and that you’re going to hold it without exploding.

Try:

• “It’s okay to be mad. It’s not okay to throw things, I'm going to put this away for now to keep everyone safe.”

• “It's bedtime. I know it's hard to stop playing, and it's time for bed. Do you want me to help you get started on your routine?”

• "I hear that you really want to go to your friend's house right now, and that doesn't work for me. Let's find a time that works for both of us."

3. Teach, Don’t Shame

The goal is not to make your child feel bad—it’s to help them do better next time. Whether they are littles or a teen who just pushed a boundary. After the moment has passed, that might sound like:

• “I saw how frustrated you were. Let’s talk about what you can do when that happens again.”

• “What do you think would help fix this?”

• “Next time, let’s try…”

These conversations build emotional strength and relational trust—far more than punishment ever could. It's in this safety that true learning happens.

A Final Reminder:

Hey Parents,

Your child is learning. So are you.There will be messy moments, and that’s okay. You’re not doing it wrong because it’s hard—you’re doing the real, slow, beautiful work of parenting.

Discipline rooted in connection won’t always lead to immediate obedience. But it will lead to long-term growth, lasting influence, and the kind of relationship where your child knows they can come to you—even when they’ve blown it. And isn’t that the kind of parent you really want to be? If you want to explore these ideas of discipline, punishment and consequences more, let's talk. Schedule your [Free 15 min. consult today].

-Melanie