raising kids in the glow without losing the light

Melanie Zwyghuizen | Gen 1 Parenting

If there’s one parenting topic guaranteed to stir up strong feelings, it’s screens. Are they ruining childhood? Are we ruining our kids if we let them have "too much"? Is it even possible to parent today without them?

Let’s start with this: you’re not failing if your kids use screens. Screens are woven into modern life — and sometimes, you hand your toddler the iPad just to make dinner, finish a work call, or catch your sanity for a few minutes. That doesn’t make you a bad parent. It makes you human.

But at the same time, not all screen time is created equal. And understanding why it matters — especially at a brain chemistry level — can help us make wiser, more balanced choices moving forward.

Why Screens Feel So Good (But Can Be So Hard to Manage)

When we engage with screens — whether it’s social media, video games, YouTube, or even endless episodes of cartoons — our brains release dopamine, a "feel-good" chemical linked to pleasure and motivation. Dopamine isn't bad in itself. It's actually essential to human life! But here’s the kicker: screens release dopamine in fast, frequent, and often artificial bursts — much faster than, say, reading a book, drawing, or playing outside.

This matters because when the brain gets used to quick dopamine hits, it can actually rewire itself to crave faster, easier rewards (this is even more true for a child's developing brain!). It becomes harder to tolerate "boring" activities like chores, homework, and even imaginative play! Frustration shows up faster when something feels hard or doesn’t deliver instant results. The larger impact? Kids who are constantly restless, impatient, or "bored" unless a screen is in front of them. Kids who get easily frustrated and have little resilience or patience. And kids whose behavior worsens (you may see more meltdowns and defiant behaviors as they try to get their need for a dopamine hit met).

Research shows that passive screen time (like mindless TV watching or scrolling) is more strongly linked to these dopamine-driven patterns than active screen use (like creating a movie, coding a game, or learning a skill). In other words: what kids are doing on screens matters just as much as how much time they spend. Long stories like a full-length movie have a different effect on the brain than short, fast-paced dopamine inducing episodes or even some educational games (think: rapid clicking? rewards for getting something correct? sounds that reward? and the like...).

So What’s the Answer? (Spoiler: It’s Not Guilt)

It would be easy to hear this and spiral into guilt: I’ve already messed this up! But hear this: Guilt and shame are terrible motivators for lasting change.

The goal isn’t to eliminate screens altogether. (For most families, that's not realistic — or even necessary.) The goal is to create a healthy rhythm where screens are tools, not tyrants. Where kids still have rich, real-world experiences — even if a tablet or TV show sometimes fills a gap. The answer? BALANCE.

A Few Practical Ideas to find that balance:

• Prioritize "active" screen time over passive. Encourage creativity, problem-solving, and learning when possible, just check that they aren't super fast-paced dopamine-inducing options. And if you choose passive - opt for stories that are slower-paced and produce fewer dopamine "hits".

• Set simple, predictable limits.Kids actually feel safer when the limits around screens are clear and consistent. (Believe it or not - this goes for tweens/teens as well!)

• Make room for "dopamine reset" activities & rest. Biking, hiking, physical play, building Legos, helping in the kitchen, drawing, engaging in conversations face-to-face, reading & even boredom! — these slower, sensory-rich activities & rest help balance the brain’s reward system.

• Model it yourself.(Gulp.) Kids learn from what we do more than what we say. (Even though they watched me clean and never seemed to quite get that down! LOL). Put your own phone down during family meals or quiet time. Give your full presence to your kids. And when you are using your device in front of them, talk through what you're doing. (I'm going to read my book on my kindle app. I'm texting dad right now to talk about tonight's plans. I'm watching a video to learn about how to...)

• Offer grace — to your kids and yourself. Some days, survival will still involve a movie marathon. That’s okay. It doesn’t erase all the other intentional things you’re doing. (And maybe you just need to sit with them and enjoy the marathon as well!)

• Talk with your kids about screens and balance! When kids understand the reasons why you set limits (or struggle yourself with screens), they will more likely follow those limits with less pushback. And bonus: you'll be creating a team-work mindset!

Screens Aren’t the Enemy — Disconnection Is

Ultimately, parenting in the digital age is about teaching our kids to be connected to real life — not ruled by a device. It’s about helping them build resilience, patience, creativity, and real-world joy alongside their tech skills.

And it starts with us: embracing balance, not perfection.

One small, steady choice at a time makes a difference. It's not impossible and it's never too late!

Hey Parents,

Remember that you don't have to do it alone. I’m here to walk with you. If you struggle with screens or limits in general, let's figure it out together! [Book a free 15-minute consultation!]

-Melanie