Referee, Judge & jury?: What Your Kids Really Need When They Fight

Melanie Zwyghuizen | Gen 1 Parenting

Let's Be Real

If you're reading this, you're probably exhausted from constantly jumping in to solve every sibling squabble. You might feel like you're wearing a striped shirt and blowing a whistle all day long. I get it—I've been there with my own three kids, and I've heard this from countless parents over 30 years of teaching and coaching.

Here's the truth: Your kids can learn to work through their conflicts, and your job isn't to be the referee. It's to be their coach.

The Problem with Playing Judge, jury & referee

Most of us jump straight into solving sibling conflicts because, well, we want peace. We want it to stop. We want everyone to be happy again. So we rush in, figure out what happened, decide who's right and who's wrong, and hand down our verdict.

Sound familiar?

The problem is that this approach does three things we don't intend:

It teaches them that someone else will always solve their problems. Why should they learn to work it out when Mom or Dad will swoop in and fix it?

It makes us responsible for everyone's feelings. No wonder we're exhausted. We're carrying emotional weight that isn't ours to carry.

It robs them of learning one of life's most important skills. Conflict resolution isn't something they'll magically figure out as adults. They need practice now, in the safety of home. I know I didn't learn healthy skills when I was growing up so it's likely that you didn't either. That's ok. You can learn right alongside them.

What Good Conflict Resolution Actually Looks Like

Before we can guide our kids, we need to know what we're aiming for. Healthy conflict resolution isn't about perfect harmony with no disagreements or one kid "winning" and the other "losing."

Instead, it looks like:

• Both kids feeling heard and respected

• Finding solutions that work for everyone involved

• Learning skills they'll use for the rest of their lives

• Sometimes agreeing to disagree, and that's okay

Think of it this way: conflict is actually a life skill practice ground. Our kids need to learn how to navigate disagreements, and our homes are the safest place to mess up and try again.

The Shift You Need to Make

Here's what needs to change:

What You've Been Doing (The Referee Role):

• Rushing in the moment someone yells or comes and tells

• Deciding who's right and who's wrong

• Handing down verdicts and consequences

• Solving the problem for them

What You're Moving Toward (The Coach Role):

• Staying calm and curious

• Asking questions instead of giving answers

• Helping both kids express what they need

• Guiding them to find their own solutions

This shift is hard. You're not failing if you catch yourself jumping in. You're just learning a new dance, and it takes time.

The key is learning when to step in, what to say, and how to guide without solving. It's about helping each child feel heard, teaching them to listen to each other, and giving them the tools to come up with their own solutions.

What to Expect

The first few times will be messy

Your kids are used to you solving things. They might keep asking you to decide or try to get you to take sides. Stay the course. This is normal.

It will take longer at first

Yes, it's faster to just solve it yourself. But you're investing time now so you won't have to referee every single fight for the next decade.

You'll slip back into old patterns

When you're tired, rushed, or stressed, you'll find yourself jumping back into referee mode. That's okay. Notice it, be kind to yourself, and try again next time.

Your kids will surprise you

Once they get the hang of it, you'll hear them working things out without you. You'll overhear conversations where they actually listen to each other. Those moments make all the awkward practice worth it.

Hey Parents,

I know this approach asks a lot of you. It requires patience when you're tired, restraint when you just want to fix it, and trust in your kids when they're at their worst. But here's what I know after all these years: Kids who learn to work through conflict become adults who can navigate hard conversations, stand up for themselves, and maintain healthy relationships. You're not just keeping the peace—you're building their future.

And when it feels hard (because it will), remember: perfect parents don't exist, but you can be the parent your kids need you to be. You don't have to figure this out alone. If you'd like more support as you navigate sibling conflict or any other parenting challenge, I'd love to connect with you for a [free 15-minute consultation] to explore how we can work together.

-Melanie